An Intervention

I asked Laura from the senior center to meet me at my mother's condo to see the condition of her place. Then I called my mother's driver to bring her home from shopping, so that we could make a plan on cleaning her house over the next few months. Her house cleaners, Nancy and Phil, are willing to do anything necessary to make the place safe and healthy, but my mother is unwilling to let them touch the huge piles of junk mail that fill her kitchen. She is also unwilling to let them go through her refrigerator to remove the rotten and spoiled food or to remove the vegetables and fruit rotting on the floors of her kitchen and hallway. The rest of her home is also filled with mail, magazines and clothing. Her en suite bathroom is unusable because it is filled with piles of clothing.

For 15 years I have tried to work with my mother on her compulsive shopping and hoarding habits, but to no avail. She will be 93 years old next month and I am 72. If this latest intervention does not have a modest success I will give up. We will be selling our condo and moving out of state permanently. My husband's mental health and physical well-being must take priority.

Having a narcissistic mother is the worst curse I could wish upon a person and I have had to live with this all my life. How a person can be so charming with other people and yet so vindictive to her only daughter is beyond my understanding. My mother did not attend my college graduation, did not come to my wedding, did not help me after the births of my children, and would not hold her grandchildren or great-grandchildren in her arms. I know that this is incomprehensible to people who have had loving mothers, but that was my life. My faith in God is the only solace that has helped me be a functional human being.

My mother's hoarding is the most recent manifestation of her personality disorder. It began most profoundly with my father's death. Before that he was able to keep some control over her, even though she subjected him to extreme verbal and emotional abuse while he lay dying from Lou Gehrig's disease.

If anyone believes they can help my mother they have my blessing. She will not allow me to help her, so I give her up to God. If she will ever change it will be through his grace.


           

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Recent Update

Took mom to D'Angelo's for lunch. She smelled terribly, had to drive with windows down so I wouldn't gag. I'm not sure if the odor came from her not bathing or not changing her Depends.

She told me that she had received a typed letter from someone saying that they felt that she was being abused by her family. I asked her to find the letter so that we could investigate who may have sent it.

I told her that people were concerned about the way she was living. They probably felt that she should be under the care of family or in assisted living. She became quite agitated and said that people should mind their own business, that she could take care of herself.

Basically she doesn't want anyone else telling her what to do. She believes living with other family members or in a facility like Grand Village or anything similar takes away her her freedom and independence to control her own life.

Unfortunately she is not as competent as she believes she is. Mom is very dependent on other people driving her places, does not maintain daily hygiene, can barely walk without assistance, and cannot clean up after herself in the most basic ways. She hoards rotting food in her refrigerator, countertops, and floors.
She has many of the same hoarding habits that can be seen on the TV show.

Several years ago we did get her to hire a married couple to come to her house supposedly to clean and take her shopping twice a week. She pays them $50/hr. to shred paper and drive her around. They will do anything she asks them to do, but she won't allow them to clean. Cleaning to my mother is the same as throwing away valuables. It makes no difference whether it is a rotting head of cauliflower or a new pair of shoes.

Phil and Nancy seem to be quite loyal to her, but she does pay them over $1,200 a month for six to eight hours a week of shredding paper and shopping. I have to give credit to Phil, he has done a little bit of painting, carpet cleaning, and repaired some floor tile in the hallway.

I've asked local and county authorities, the Senior Center, doctors, attorneys, and her friends for assistance, but basically until she loses the capacity to walk, dress, and feed herself she has the right to continue living alone. That is her decision and there is nothing I can do. Heaven knows I have tried.

I don't think people realize how much they reinforce my mother's bad decision making.

Christmas Eve

Had Aaron, Alex, grandkids, and my mother over for our traditional Christmas Eve dinner. My mother “forgot” that we exchange Christmas gifts, which we've done every year of my entire life. 

She managed to use the bathroom once during the evening, but smelled very bad by the time Dale and Aaron took her home. Aaron helped her to the door, but was overwhelmed by the odor emanating from the interior of her home. The smell of urine and rotting food is unbelievable. 

She still has that cleaning crew coming twice a week. They keep telling us that she won't let them do anything other than shred paper and drive her around shopping.

Current Condition of My Mother

Fri., Nov. 28 - took my mother to her favorite restaurant for lunch. She could barely walk unassisted. We suggested that a doctor visit should be scheduled, but she refused.

Sun., Nov. 30 - Picked mom up for church. Her foot was bothering her even more. She said that she had gone to a podiatrist in town and that nothing was broken or sprained. She could't remember who took her to the doctor's office or his name or location. I have to believe that she just wanted me to leave her alone regarding her foot. Her body odor was rather pungent. I am concerned that she is not cleaning herself properly or not bothering to change her slip-on diapers.

Mon., Dec. 1 - Visited mom to help her locate her garage door opener. It was just where I told her it should be over the phone. Saw a food container on the floor in the hallway leading to the garage. She has told me that she sometimes leaves food there instead of refrigerating it, when her fridge is too full of leftovers. I'm concerned that she is eating perishable food that has been left on the floor several days after it was prepared, since she frequently loses track of time. She often has diarrhea and I suspect that comes from eating spoiled food. Her home smelled terrible and so did she. I'm sure that she either had a bowel movement in her diaper or failed to wipe herself thoroughly.

Wed., Dec. 3 - Laura, director of Twinsburg Senior Center, called to let me know that she and other staff people were noticing that my mother was having hygiene problems, difficulty walking, and acute memory loss. She wanted to let me know that she was going to call Summit County Services for the Aged again. I encouraged her to do so, because my mother refuses any help from me. I am so frustrated and powerless to do anything. Until she is declared incompetent, I do not have power of attorney to do anything that requires legal action.

I told Laura that my husband and I were looking to move to a Senior Community in Florida as soon as possible. I had hoped to have my mother in Grande Village by now, but she refuses to even consider it. Now that we are in our 70's I want to be sure that we are making better choices than my mother has done over the last ten years. She needs to be in an assisted living facility with people who know how to care for her. She has the resources to pay for quality care. It's unfortunate that she doesn't see that or that her "friends" continue enabling her to oppose my assistance.

Long term health insurance

Just got another delinquent notice regarding my mom's long-term health insurance. She failed to make her payment in October. The letter mention that she has 65 days to to send in payment or risks losing coverage.

I just spoke with her today before I our mail delivery, so I haven't mentioned that I know she's late in her payment. I don't think that she realizes what this bill is anymore. She probably thinks that it is a life insurance policy. I may need to stand over her and watch her sign the check and then mail the check in myself. That will be the only way we will be sure that she makes this payment.

We just returned from a vacation and this is the first thing I have been hit with regarding mom's condition. She did mention that she is looking into purchasing a hearing aid. One of her friends must have said that she needs a hearing aid. While we were gone she went to one doctor and received at an estimate of about $7,000. She did mention that she's going to go for another estimate. I know that she has some hearing loss but it's not extreme, so I really don't know what to say at this time. Her problem, in my opinion, is that she doesn't pay attention to what people are saying. She is so busy thinking what she is going to say next.

Lately she has been running here and there for various kinds of medical test that her friends are recommending that she takes. This is in addition to the regular tests and doctors appointments that I already drive her to. These lifeline tests are usually offered for seniors who do not have regular doctors. I think they're very useful for that purpose but mom has a whole battery of doctors that she sees on a regular basis.

Response to TV Ads

Mom called me last night to remind me that she had an appointment the next day with life line screening and Medicare. Someone had just called her to remind her. She had no idea when she had made these appointments or where to go. This was the first I had heard of these appointments.

I called their phone number and they told me that my mother had scheduled these appointments on her own, but they were not until Thursday not Tuesday as she told me.  Since my mother had just been to her cardiologist and urologist last month and goes to the Coumadin clinic every week for a blood test, I canceled her appointments and told her that these tests were for people who do not have regular doctor appointments as she does.

These Life Line screenings are very useful and priced so that people with low incomes and no regular health care providers can afford them. My mother has very good healthcare insurance coverage and is currently receiving excellent and frequent care. Unfortunately she doesn't remember that she has had all these screenings already this year. 

I've asked her not to schedule appointments or buy any services or products before checking with me, but she gets caught up in the moment and goes along with any and every persuasive TV or telemarketers. She sees my involvement only as interference with her personal freedoms, which would be true if she could remember anything that she does.

Halluciations

It's 10:10 in the evening and my mother just called me in a panic. She thought she had been left alone at the church and none of the phones were working. She was talking to me on a phone - not sure whether she understood that she couldn't have called me if the phone wasn't working.

She no longer drives, nor does she have a car, so I asked her what was she was doing at the church this time of night and who left her there. I was pretty sure that she was at home and had been hallucinating again. This doesn't happen every week, but she become disoriented frequently and calls me or one of her friends with strange requests or comments. 

She begged me to come get her, so I played along and asked exactly where in the church she was. She left the phone to check and I could hear her pitter pattering around her condo. She got on and off the phone about three times before coming to her senses and realizing that she really was at home. She said good night and that she would call me tomorrow.

Well at least she didn't call one of her friends and upset them this time of night.